in the eyes of the Crown, being a co-conspirator in a global sex trafficking ring is best settled by losing the right to wear a fancy sash..
Rumors have it that King Charles is absolutely devastated, radiating "profound concern" over the reported relations between the former Prince Andrew—now simply Andrew—and the late pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. The King reportedly cannot fathom a relative disgracing the Royal Family in this way. It is simply beyond His Majesty, whose crown is encrusted with diamonds "liberated" from nations who hadn't realized they were donating to the Windsors, that a Royal could behave so sordidly.
The Royals storied history is, after all, a collection of wholesome bedtime tales. They facilitated the involuntary career placement of millions of Africans in the American colonies; they encouraged a period of state-mandated fasting in India by exporting all of their grain; they helped the Irish learn english through an aggressive linguistic outreach program and they even ensured the Chinese public had unlimited access to medicinal poppies for "recreational celebrations." They have been such a global blessing that 65 different countries now enjoy the annual tradition of celebrating their Independence Day!
It is clear why Charles is so distraught. Having a millennium of carefully curated inbreeding tainted by such a modern scandal is a heavy burden. One can only hope the Great British Monarchy survives by doing what they do best: ensuring secrets remain buried with the same efficiency as their colonial records. They’ve already dealt the ultimate blow by removing Andrew’s titles…because, in the eyes of the Crown, being a co-conspirator in a global sex trafficking ring is best settled by losing the right to wear a fancy sash..
Seriously Fuck these people.
God save the King.
