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Profiles
George Washington: crossed the Delaware, couldn't tell a lie, and owned over 300 human beings. We put him on money and mountains, but maybe skip the "father of freedom" bit when the man had slaves' teeth in his dentures. His selfless decision to step down voluntarily made him a global symbol of republican virtue, earning praise even from King George III as potentially "the greatest man in the world," and cementing his legacy as "first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen."
Marx talks big on workers rising, but mooches capitalist cash while his kids croak in poverty. Aristocrat wife, zero baths, eternal boils – the revolution started with personal hygiene fail. Smashed theory, bombed dad duties.
Hitler flunked art school, penned hate in jail, then conned Germany with fake jobs from slave labor. He purged pals with Night of Long Knives and popped meth pills till bunker suicide. People's car? Nah, just tanks and doom.
Abe Lincoln: Log cabin prez who jailed critics and let rich skip the draft. Freed some slaves but dreamed of shipping them away. Saved Union, drowned it in blood first.
JFK's dad bought him the presidency with big bribes. He cut taxes for fat cats, banged interns, and ramped up Vietnam. His death still begs questions... who really shot JFK?
Genghis Khan went from kidnapped kid to skull-stacking emperor, killing 40 million for a family tree that hits one in 200 people today. He preached unity with arrows and taxes, turning nomad beefs into world wars. Taxman barbarian with feminist laws, but mostly pyramids of the people he crushed.
LBJ flipped from racist to civil rights activist throught his career. He lied about Vietnam and was responsible for putting about 500,000 boots on the ground. His super power, pulling out his penis he nicknamed "Jumbo."
From prison cell to global icon. Taught himself by memorizing the dictionary, then became the most electrifying orator of his generation. Grew the Nation of Islam from 400 members to 40,000. After Mecca, he left the group—rare courage, which probably cost him his life. Reframed civil rights as human rights. Transformed "Black" from insult to affirmation. Assassinated at 39, but his autobiography remains essential American literature. By any means necessary, he meant it.
Saddam preached revolution but built 72 gold-plated palaces while Iraqis ate dirt. He gassed Kurds, stole billions from starving kids, and wrote bad sex novels. From Tikrit thug to fake-money tyrant, he ruled for himself, not the people.
Reagan the actor snitched on commies, then fired unions and convinced kids ketchup is a veggie. He cut taxes on the rich, tripled debt, and sold arms to Iran for Contra cash, while making decisions based on star signs. He smiled through AIDS deaths and nuke jokes—hero to the suits, villain to the people.
RFK Jr. is a health nut who jets private while preaching green. He dumps dead bears in parks and blames brain worms for lies. Anti-vax grifter endorses Trump, selling out the people for a front-row MAGA seat.
Osama bin Laden ditched his $30 million inheritance to fund al-Qaeda because US troops saved Saudi Arabia from Saddam. America armed him against Soviets, then he hit back with 9/11 and the forever wars in the Middle East. Terror prince hid with porn while preaching purity—family black sheep who blew up the world.
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